Day 15: So the world is ending...

... The Mayans were right and fire and doom are reigning down -- what do you you most regret having left undone in your life?

Hm.  Well, I could launch into another thing about "I don't have regrets, blah, blah, blah".  But that'd be a cop-out.  This question doesn't really seem to be about that.  It seems to be more of a "what do you wish you'd had/made time to do" sort of thing.

If the world ended, right now, right this very minute, I'd regret:

that I never got to spend an entire weekend with OBF.
that I never actually finished getting a college degree.
that I never had a career I was fulfilled by.
that I never got to travel to all the places in the world that I want to see.
that I never quite managed to make a beef wellington.
that I didn't finish the quilt that's been sitting on my end table for 2 years now.
that I didn't take any of my art to a level that I'm satisfied with.
that I didn't write a book, like everyone's always telling me I should.

I'd regret... That I just didn't have enough time, or resources, to do all the things I want to do.

Day 14: What do you want to let go of as 2013 comes our way?

I've been busy with family and holiday stuff  (and birthdays) over the past week.  But, it's the dawn of the new year, and I think that this is a really great time to answer this question.  It's been on my mind, in the back of it, as I've been dealing with the stress, the drama, the being super busy, and most of all the depression.

See, winter holidays are a time of year that brings up a metric ton of my historical baggage.  It is a two week long emotional flashback.  And the result of that, is that I become an insecure, fearful, anxiety laden, mess of abandonment issues.

Being a December baby, smack between Christmas and New Year's, meant that I always sort of fell through the cracks.  I didn't get birthday parties with all my friends, because they were off doing holiday things with their families.  I didn't get birthday presents; I got Christmas presents and hasty "oh, this is for your birthday too".  I didn't get to be the focus of attention because everyone was always caught up with the big holidays.  In fact, most of the time, my own father would forget my birthday.  And the times he didn't forget, I'd get a phone call a day early, or late, because he was off on business.  My mom would remember, but there was something lacking in "I'll cook your favorite dinner, and we'll have cake with just us girls".  I have never had a surprise party thrown on my behalf (not that I really want one, but, the theory of the thing would be nice).  I have always had to remind people, and try to plan myself, and fight for other people to make me feel special.

Christmases were never particularly pleasant either, even without the looming threat that I'd end up forgotten once again.  Divorced families can leave one with a sense of not really having family at all.  There's always someone missing, someone you want to see, and spend time with and share happy moments with, that you can't.  And living on the other side of the country from extended family means that most of the time, the number of someone's missing is large.  On top of that, I've spent just about every holiday in existence suffering from some sort of ailment.  The flu, pneumonia, chronic pain whatever, bronchitis, sinusitis... It all seems to hit me a few days before Christmas.  Add in a few break ups over the holidays, and at least one death... Well... Yeah.

My holidays are spent with an ever present sense of dread.  And by having that dread, I tend to make bad things happen.  I have so many fears and insecurities now, that they've turned into self fulfilling prophecies.  Because I expect the holidays to suck, they suck.  Even if everything would normally be fine, I am wound so tight that I pick fights, drown in depression, seek out more attention than is reasonably possible and set myself up for the disappointment inherent in such a thing.  I lose the ability to see the good things for what they are, and be grateful for them.

And that, all that baggage, is what I'd like to be able to let go of.  I'd like to be able to, at least a little bit, let the past be the past and have the present be the present.  I'd like to be able to let go of the fear that I'll be forgotten about; the insecurity in thinking I'm not important; and the anxiety and depression over who I want to spend special moments with, but don't get to.  I want to let go of the certainty that I will be abandoned, that I will be neglected, that I will be... Alone.

Because I'm not any of those things.  I have wonderful people who love me, make time for me, and try to make me feel as special as they think I am.  And it's high time I made that the certainty I hold onto.