Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)
---
Okay, this is starting to get a lil bit old. I don't think this way. I can't even imagine next week, let alone 5 years down the line. As for advice, while I can think of things that I should advise myself to do, or do differently than I am now, I've always been one of those people who sees themselves as a sum of all the experiences they have in their lives -- good and bad alike. If I were to change those things, I'd be changing who I am. I don't really want to change who I am.
Yes, there are things that would make life easier if I had done them 10 years ago. Yes, there are things that would make life easier in the future if I do them now. But... Would I still be me if I messed with the flow of life that way? Ugh. It all seems so paradoxical.
See, if I'd done things differently 10 years ago, I wouldn't have met M. Or R. Or C. Or J. Or any of the people I've found to be so important to me in my life now. And in 5 years, I'll probably look back on now, and feel the same way. If I'd have done things differently, I wouldn't be that me anymore.
And I don't know if I'd like a me who wasn't this me. I don't think I would, really. As much as I have a hard time accepting and embracing myself the way I am, I do rather like myself. At least, the core parts of "who I am". And it's those core parts that I worry about getting changed with doing things differently.
Even if this isn't the "best" path I'm on, it's MY path, dammit.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Beyond Avoidance
What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)
---
Oh boy. Avoidance. Something I'm really really good at. I am a class A procrastinator. I will, and do, put off anything and everything for just about any reason I can possibly come up with. Especially things that scare, worry, or distress me in some way.
Just about everything in my personal life gets put off until the last minute, waiting until I simply cannot ignore it anymore before I take action on it. It's beyond unhealthy for me to do, I know, because that whole time I'm putting it off I'm still worrying about it.
For evidentiary perusal:
Dental issues -- My teeth are a mess. I grind them, clench my jaw, both awake and asleep. I've ground down so much of them that eventually I'm just going to have to have them all pulled, and get fake ones. No implants for me, as they can't stand up to the pressure I put on my teeth. As a result of grinding them down the way I do, some have broken. One, in particular broke rather badly. I didn't see a dentist for it. If I had, it would probably have just been capped, and been fine. But I put it off, thinking "oh, it doesn't hurt, it'll be fine". Well, it abscessed. So, instead of a capped tooth, I've a blank spot in my jaw where the tooth used to be, and a dental bill about 3x what I would have paid for the cap. Did I learn from that, and get the rest of the broken ones fixed? Nooooo of course not. I justify myself out of it saying how I don't have the cash, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, I'm terrified of dentists. Absolutely and completely phobic. I won't even let another person come near me with a toothpick for crissakes, let alone those scary looking dental tools, it's that complete of a phobia.
Getting another job -- Yes, technically I have a job. I'm drastically underemployed though. I need more income. Desperately. And I've been fit to go back to work for over a year now. But I haven't even seriously started looking. I glance at classified ads, or browse careerbuilder, or idly scroll through craigslist every so often. I've even dug out my resume and brainstormed a bit about how I need to rewrite it. Have I actually done anything though? Nope. Because part of me is scared to death of going out and getting a job and finding out that I hate it, or that I suck at it, or that having to keep to a regular schedule like that will fuck over the tenuous hold on my sanity that I've barely managed to maintain, or... I don't even know what else. I gloss this over, so I'm sure the response to reading this is a "just suck it up and try" kind of response. But when I start to write that resume, as I've done about 15 times so far, something akin to blind terror washes over me, and I wind up running away from it as fast as I can (sometimes almost literally).
Hell, even simple things like leaving the house to go to the store, trying to get back in the car to learn to drive again, doing just about anything that might require me to interact with "people" freaks me out. And I do mean that in as much of a melodramatic way as possible -- my own reactions to these things, things that other people do with no problem (going to the bank, calling up the cable company to change a subscription, going out to dinner) leave me feeling rather disgusted with myself. What in blue hell, I wonder, is wrong with me that I get SO anxious and scared? Especially since there are times that these things aren't a problem for me at all, and I can do them without even thinking about it. And I have no idea what makes one instance different from another. No clue at all.
So. Bonus question. Will I do these things that I struggle so hard to not be afraid of? Some of them I don't have a choice about. I will, eventually, do them. I have to go to the store at least sometimes, so I take my iPod and blare whatever loud enough to try and make me not go all claustrophobic in the crowds. I have to get another job. We'll run outta money eventually (eventually? hah we already have, really), and the only thing to do will be to go to work. Teeth? Well, if I wait long enough pain will make the decision for me.
Thing is, I need an outside motivator. Left to my own devices, I would find ways around needing these things (yeah, even income, I can be that stubborn). And that outside motivator works best when it's a slow, gentle, persistent coaxing putting me at ease while remaining firm. Well, or if everything blows up and I get so caught up running damage control that I can ignore how scared I am. But I'd really rather not have to wait for the second option -- things are so much more messy that way. I don't have an outside motivator though and I'm not sure how to go about getting one.
Am I the only one who has this sort of trouble? I feel like I am...
---
Oh boy. Avoidance. Something I'm really really good at. I am a class A procrastinator. I will, and do, put off anything and everything for just about any reason I can possibly come up with. Especially things that scare, worry, or distress me in some way.
Just about everything in my personal life gets put off until the last minute, waiting until I simply cannot ignore it anymore before I take action on it. It's beyond unhealthy for me to do, I know, because that whole time I'm putting it off I'm still worrying about it.
For evidentiary perusal:
Dental issues -- My teeth are a mess. I grind them, clench my jaw, both awake and asleep. I've ground down so much of them that eventually I'm just going to have to have them all pulled, and get fake ones. No implants for me, as they can't stand up to the pressure I put on my teeth. As a result of grinding them down the way I do, some have broken. One, in particular broke rather badly. I didn't see a dentist for it. If I had, it would probably have just been capped, and been fine. But I put it off, thinking "oh, it doesn't hurt, it'll be fine". Well, it abscessed. So, instead of a capped tooth, I've a blank spot in my jaw where the tooth used to be, and a dental bill about 3x what I would have paid for the cap. Did I learn from that, and get the rest of the broken ones fixed? Nooooo of course not. I justify myself out of it saying how I don't have the cash, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, I'm terrified of dentists. Absolutely and completely phobic. I won't even let another person come near me with a toothpick for crissakes, let alone those scary looking dental tools, it's that complete of a phobia.
Getting another job -- Yes, technically I have a job. I'm drastically underemployed though. I need more income. Desperately. And I've been fit to go back to work for over a year now. But I haven't even seriously started looking. I glance at classified ads, or browse careerbuilder, or idly scroll through craigslist every so often. I've even dug out my resume and brainstormed a bit about how I need to rewrite it. Have I actually done anything though? Nope. Because part of me is scared to death of going out and getting a job and finding out that I hate it, or that I suck at it, or that having to keep to a regular schedule like that will fuck over the tenuous hold on my sanity that I've barely managed to maintain, or... I don't even know what else. I gloss this over, so I'm sure the response to reading this is a "just suck it up and try" kind of response. But when I start to write that resume, as I've done about 15 times so far, something akin to blind terror washes over me, and I wind up running away from it as fast as I can (sometimes almost literally).
Hell, even simple things like leaving the house to go to the store, trying to get back in the car to learn to drive again, doing just about anything that might require me to interact with "people" freaks me out. And I do mean that in as much of a melodramatic way as possible -- my own reactions to these things, things that other people do with no problem (going to the bank, calling up the cable company to change a subscription, going out to dinner) leave me feeling rather disgusted with myself. What in blue hell, I wonder, is wrong with me that I get SO anxious and scared? Especially since there are times that these things aren't a problem for me at all, and I can do them without even thinking about it. And I have no idea what makes one instance different from another. No clue at all.
So. Bonus question. Will I do these things that I struggle so hard to not be afraid of? Some of them I don't have a choice about. I will, eventually, do them. I have to go to the store at least sometimes, so I take my iPod and blare whatever loud enough to try and make me not go all claustrophobic in the crowds. I have to get another job. We'll run outta money eventually (eventually? hah we already have, really), and the only thing to do will be to go to work. Teeth? Well, if I wait long enough pain will make the decision for me.
Thing is, I need an outside motivator. Left to my own devices, I would find ways around needing these things (yeah, even income, I can be that stubborn). And that outside motivator works best when it's a slow, gentle, persistent coaxing putting me at ease while remaining firm. Well, or if everything blows up and I get so caught up running damage control that I can ignore how scared I am. But I'd really rather not have to wait for the second option -- things are so much more messy that way. I don't have an outside motivator though and I'm not sure how to go about getting one.
Am I the only one who has this sort of trouble? I feel like I am...
Healing
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
---
It's funny. I've had a hard time with this prompt. I shouldn't, really, given the state of my health in 2009, and the changes over the course of 2010, and even this year now. But I'm getting hung up on the word -- healing. I don't feel "healed". I feel like, sure, a medical issue is being managed. It's not gone, it will always be looming over me, needing attention, care, treatment. I will always need medication. So while the physical symptoms may be minimized and, to a degree, healed... It just doesn't feel that way.
And I'm trying to think if there are any other ways that I've felt healed, ever, and just coming up empty. I have to wonder if it's a mentality thing, a perception thing. Am I too cynical, too jaded, to ever see any of my hurts or injuries (physical or otherwise) as truly being healed? Or am I focusing on the scars left behind? Maybe... Maybe I don't consider something "healed" if there's a scar left, if it's still sore, if it still aches.
I think, there's a part of me that wouldn't know what to do if I suddenly had everything "healed" that needed to be. I hold onto those hurt bits, those damaged pieces, ragged edges and bruised parts, as part of my identity. I wonder if I would still be "me" without them...
---
It's funny. I've had a hard time with this prompt. I shouldn't, really, given the state of my health in 2009, and the changes over the course of 2010, and even this year now. But I'm getting hung up on the word -- healing. I don't feel "healed". I feel like, sure, a medical issue is being managed. It's not gone, it will always be looming over me, needing attention, care, treatment. I will always need medication. So while the physical symptoms may be minimized and, to a degree, healed... It just doesn't feel that way.
And I'm trying to think if there are any other ways that I've felt healed, ever, and just coming up empty. I have to wonder if it's a mentality thing, a perception thing. Am I too cynical, too jaded, to ever see any of my hurts or injuries (physical or otherwise) as truly being healed? Or am I focusing on the scars left behind? Maybe... Maybe I don't consider something "healed" if there's a scar left, if it's still sore, if it still aches.
I think, there's a part of me that wouldn't know what to do if I suddenly had everything "healed" that needed to be. I hold onto those hurt bits, those damaged pieces, ragged edges and bruised parts, as part of my identity. I wonder if I would still be "me" without them...
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Try
What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did/didn't go for it?
---
Ugh. What is it with this spate of prompts that I just can't identify with?
I have never had any issue trying just about anything I wanted to try. As with wonder, the desire to try things runs rampant in me. Always has. I have an adventurous soul, or something. But okay... Try...
I tried learning to drive last year. Yes, I'm 32 and I've never had a driver's license. Yes, that's pretty lame. But hey, I grew up somewhere where I didn't need to drive, and had a stupid parent who vetoed me learning when everyone else was doing it, so I just kind of got used to the idea of doing without -- even though I adore cars, own my own, and do all the repair work on it myself. So, that weird little quirk started to bug me. And I went out and got my learner's permit.
Honestly, my attempt at learning has been somewhat half-assed. Not entirely my fault, but still. My sticking point is that I cannot seem to figure out how to drive forward in a straight line. I can drive backwards in a straight line. I can do doughnuts like a champ. U-turns are easy. 3 point turns are easy. Driving down a curvy road is cake. But drive straight for more than 20 ft? Nope. I fail. Miserably.
I haven't given up... Not entirely anyway. But M is a horrible teacher. And he's all I've got to choose from, teacher-wise. It's times like this that I wish my dad wasn't 900 miles away...
---
Ugh. What is it with this spate of prompts that I just can't identify with?
I have never had any issue trying just about anything I wanted to try. As with wonder, the desire to try things runs rampant in me. Always has. I have an adventurous soul, or something. But okay... Try...
I tried learning to drive last year. Yes, I'm 32 and I've never had a driver's license. Yes, that's pretty lame. But hey, I grew up somewhere where I didn't need to drive, and had a stupid parent who vetoed me learning when everyone else was doing it, so I just kind of got used to the idea of doing without -- even though I adore cars, own my own, and do all the repair work on it myself. So, that weird little quirk started to bug me. And I went out and got my learner's permit.
Honestly, my attempt at learning has been somewhat half-assed. Not entirely my fault, but still. My sticking point is that I cannot seem to figure out how to drive forward in a straight line. I can drive backwards in a straight line. I can do doughnuts like a champ. U-turns are easy. 3 point turns are easy. Driving down a curvy road is cake. But drive straight for more than 20 ft? Nope. I fail. Miserably.
I haven't given up... Not entirely anyway. But M is a horrible teacher. And he's all I've got to choose from, teacher-wise. It's times like this that I wish my dad wasn't 900 miles away...
Lesson Learned
What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?
---
Best. I struggle with words like these, that define something as being paramount over any other thing. it's just not that simple to me. There are no "bests" of anything... Even when I actually use the term, it's with the understanding that I'm actually speaking about things in a relative manner. I even have more than one "best friend".
So. I don't know what the "best" thing I learned about myself this past year was. There were many important lessons I learned (last post as evidence there). And I've been applying them, being gentle with myself, caring with myself, patient with myself, to allow myself to learn more. But I simply cannot identify any one particular thing I learned that was "the best".
---
Best. I struggle with words like these, that define something as being paramount over any other thing. it's just not that simple to me. There are no "bests" of anything... Even when I actually use the term, it's with the understanding that I'm actually speaking about things in a relative manner. I even have more than one "best friend".
So. I don't know what the "best" thing I learned about myself this past year was. There were many important lessons I learned (last post as evidence there). And I've been applying them, being gentle with myself, caring with myself, patient with myself, to allow myself to learn more. But I simply cannot identify any one particular thing I learned that was "the best".
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