Beautifully Different

Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.
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Different... I know there are lots of things that make me different. Tons and hundreds and gallons and whatever large measurement you could possibly come up with. But somehow, very few of them seem all that "unique" on their own. There are tons of people who enjoy Industrial Gothic Death metal. There are even more people who love food, or "getting lost" in the woods. There are even more people than that who are obsessed with technological gadgets.

I think... I think the main thing that makes me different, that lights people up, is that I am so accepting of who they are, taking them faults and all with no judgement. I care, unconditionally, even about people that piss me off. Heck, some of the better friends I have I've gotten after arguing with them over something. And I care deeply, very easily.

I've been told, several times lately in fact, that there is a kindness in me that is something that's hard to find in people. I'd have to agree with that. I am kind. And loving. And affectionate. And passionate.

I feel the world just a little bit more intensely than other people seem to. As a result, I feel pain just that much more strongly than other people seem to. And because I know just how badly it can hurt, I'm loathe to make anyone else feel that way, and will go out of my way to alleviate any discomfort someone is experiencing if I can. Even if I can't, I'll commiserate, let them know they're not alone, all the while never once looking down on them. Despite the additional pain it puts me through.

I suffer so much at my own hands, and I suffer in ways that I don't have to. I choose, even if it's subconsciously, to drown myself in other people's troubles/sorrows/fears/faults, to take on their pain as if it were my own. I know it's not necessarily a healthy thing to do, that there are ways of making other people feel better without making myself feel worse. But, I have a hard time keeping that kind of distance without completely removing myself from the situation. And... I can't keep pulling that far away anymore, despite being tempted.

I have a friend right now who's struggling greatly with Borderline Personality Disorder (Angel, if you read this, don't take it the wrong way, please). Many times the conversations we have leave me feeling worn, and raw, and hurting. Not because of anything to do with me, or because of anything he's done, but simply because I can see the sheer amount of pain he's in, and I lack the ability to distance myself from that pain. Sometimes I find myself wanting to shy away, to retreat, run from that friendship, because I am afraid of being hurt that way. But then... I'll hear him laugh, because I've said or done something that managed to cut through whatever else was going on in his head and made him happy, even for just a split second. And all that fear of being hurt disappears. It's worth it to me, if me giving just that little bit of love and support can bring a little bit of light to someone.

If I were to look at myself through other people's eyes, see myself as if I were looking at someone else, I'd say they were kind, and caring, and giving to a degree that bordered upon selflessness. And beautiful because of it.

Maybe I should look at myself through other people's eyes more often...