Moment

Pick one moment during which you felt the most alive this year
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This has been a tough prompt for me because the moments I feel the most alive have to do with the contents of that Pandora's Box I'm so afraid of facing.  Admitting that is hard enough for me, except under the most special of circumstances, that I won't bother narrowing it down to one.

But here we go:  Confession time.

I have never felt more alive than when giving up complete and total control of myself to someone else.  Submitting entirely and becoming nothing and no one but the subject and object of their desire, their whim, their fantasy, to use as they see fit.  The less in control I am, the freer I become -- able to do, and say, and feel all those things that are such guilty pleasures for me.

And then to be encouraged, spurred on, even praised and rewarded for those wants and needs that are so deeply deviant... Electricity courses through my veins, bright white hot flames bathe my skin.  Such heat, such passion, that I almost don't need to be touched.  Just the faint vibration of a voice, a sigh, a moan, a breath across bare skin, can be enough to trigger waves of euphoria.  Throw a little pain into that mix, and I lose myself entirely.

The juxtaposition of humiliation and praise, of pain and pleasure, makes me feel more vibrant than anything else I've ever experienced.  So much of it defies words, though.  I've tried to figure it out, tried to explain... And always so poorly, I'm loathe to attempt such an endeavor here.

There is, of course, the taboo of it that makes it so seductive.  The "so wrong it's right" aspect.  Just like how chocolate never tastes quite as good as when you're cheating on a diet.  But there's so much more to it than that.  The connection, the intimacy with another person that transcends all the boundaries you thought you had.  And a level of trust that borders upon divine faith.  And the things so many people strive for -- acceptance and belonging.  It's more psychological than it is physical, this bizarre contradiction of relationship.  And yet, at the same time, it's something so primal, so totally animalistic, calling up an almost prehistoric nature...

Life -- raw, hot, bloody, painful, ugly, real.

Real...
           Real...
                      Real...

Real.

Is it any wonder this is the way I feel most alive?