Day 2: What steps did you take to try and improve yourself this year, and were they successful?

I really ask the hard ones, don't I?  Well, I suppose that actually feeds into my answer.  Taking a more active approach to introspection, rather than just letting it happen naturally, has been one step.  It's part of why I was eager to do this project, actually.  And asking myself the hard questions, is an integral piece of that.  Personal examination is always an ongoing process -- there's never a place where you can go "okay, I've learned everything there is to know about myself, I'm done" -- so I guess I have to measure success in it as a sort of "is this helping" kinda way.  And yes, it's helping a lot.

Tied in with the introspection is giving myself the physical and emotional space to do it.  That's a much harder thing for me to do.  My life is crowded.  Not busy, exactly, but crowded.  I don't get much time to myself, except in the wee hours of the morning (midnight to 4am+).  And getting those hours means either sleeping the rest of the day away, or being tired indefinitely.  I'm willing to make those trade-offs though, even if it's not every day.  And caffeine helps a lot there.  Having the space to dim the lights, pour a finger or two of bourbon, put on my "contemplation" playlist, and write uninterrupted for hours, is worth it to me.

Research is another thing I've done -- specifically about my C-PTSD -- to give myself more tools to handle life better.  I've had a default sort of toolbox; tips and tricks for managing panic, and fear, and insecurity.  But that toolbox seemed to be a bit empty, and at several points I was feeling entirely overwhelmed and hopeless even after using every tool I had.  Emotional flashbacks were getting worse, not better.  Panic attacks were increasing, not decreasing.  So I went searching for ways to handle those things, over and above my normal introspective practices.  And yeah, that's been pretty successful.  Having a list of things to mentally go through if I hit those points is... Invaluable.  I even carry the list around in my wallet, just in case.  [I'm more than happy to send a copy to anyone who wants it -- it's a several step long list of things to do to manage emotional flashbacks, both in the moment and long term, that you can either work through on your own, or have someone help you through, that was developed by a therapist]

The biggest thing though... And by far the hardest... Has been enrolling in a program with the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation (DVR).  Through some of that introspection, I realized that having my "work" be what it is, is making me feel like I'm less than self sufficient.  Yes, I contribute a great deal to things with the business being run out of my living room.  My involvement has meant a number of great advancements, and increased income.  But, when, for tax-type reasons I don't get a regular paycheck of my own... I don't really feel employed.  When I spend more days than not plunking around on the web instead of having a clear goal, I don't really feel employed.  And the lack of that feeling, makes me feel like a burden.  And it makes me feel like my future is too dependent upon other people.  I need to have some semblance of self-sufficiency to be happy.  But, finding a normal job with the sorts of medical issues I have is pretty damned difficult.  So...  I made an appointment with the DVR.

Thing about that is, in order to qualify for services from the DVR, you have to not just admit that you suffer from a disability, you have to prove that you do.  And one of the ways that I manage life is by refusing to think of myself as disabled.  Having to prove that I'm disabled undermines that "I'm not disabled, I'm not a cripple, I can do this, dammit" mentality that I need to get through all the crap that my problems cause.  And undermining that mentality can (and did) send me into a depressive spiral.  But I crawled out of it.  And I went to the follow up appointment.  And crawled out of the depression that caused too.  And I went to the psychiatric evaluation appointment, and pulled myself out of that depression too.  And after all that, I've qualified for services.  Not that I'm entirely sure what that means... I just know that there are any number of avenues that it could take me in that would get me much more self sufficient than I feel like I am right now.

I don't know if the DVR thing is a success, yet.  I do know that it feels like a success to have gotten through the parts of it that I have gotten through.  Those things were incredibly difficult.  And the fallout sucked even more.  So that I survived it is something to be proud of on it's own, right?