Community

Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
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Hm. Another hard one.

Community, or rather the lack thereof, in my life has been somewhat of a sore spot lately. Online communities have been, for the past couple of years anyway, my only real form of socialization. I've joined some, left some, investigated some, not really finding a "home" in any of them. Always remaining on the fringes, no matter how much I've tried to participate.

I have a love/hate relationship with people, you see. As much as I need to be around them, need them to talk to, or find validation or companionship with them, there are aspects of humanity that disgust me. Groupthink being a big part of that, clique-ish tendencies, judgement and ostracizing of anyone who doesn't "fit in".

And then there's the whole thing about true selves. I value the true self, as much as I run from my own. Honesty is the keystone of my interaction with anyone and everyone around me. But I don't feel that I can be my true self with many people. Which means I can't be honest, at least not to the degree I feel I should be. And I don't like being put in that position. The one where I feel I either have to lie, or be alone. So, I often just go with the path of least resistance and keep to myself.

I started trying to change that a little bit last year, finding a chat room for an online literary group that I read fairly often. I've made friends there. Good ones, ones that over the past few months I've spilled my guts to about all the chaos in my head, ones that I've cried to, and sobbed to, and who have been patient and understanding with me, even offering very good advice. And I've been there for these friends too, listening to their troubles, helping as best I can, even if it's just being willing to answer my phone at 4am when they need someone to talk to. It's not really community though, as these are one on one friendships that aren't really shared with anyone else -- not even with M.

I want, desperately, to be part of a group. I'm feeling really isolated right now, and I don't like the crazy shit that ends up going through my head because of that isolation. But it has to be a group that would be accepting of me, the way I am. And that's not so easy to find when I don't even really know who I am.

I'm making the effort still, though. I joined two message boards for people who share a particular defining characteristic of my lifestyle (what that characteristic is, I'm not entirely sure I'm willing to share too openly yet, at least not without being able to explain in detail so there's no confusion). But they're small groups. There's not a lot of activity. And as such, it's harder to become part of it in a meaningful way. I'd like to expand on that, find things for me to be a part of in real life. It's just so hard...

I don't trust easily. I never have. The idea of opening up enough to be able to be part of a "community"... Scares me a little. I need it though. I used to have it, to a degree, and I want it back. Need it back.